Dawn M.
It was a cold December day when I walked into Circle of Life Hospice in Springdale. I remember because I was wearing my Mother’s black leather jacket, but I was still cold. As tears started to flow down my cheeks, I asked for Chuck Bengtson, the contact that I had been given by my Mother’s Hospice in Emporia, KS. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t control my emotions. I was afraid that Chuck would think I was loony. Besides, my Mother didn’t even pass away from this Hospice Center. She passed away at home in Cottonwood Falls, KS with Hand in Hand Hospice attending her. All I could think of was that these people were going to throw me out! But, I was about to lose my mind, and after weeks of stalling, I had promised my husband that I would go.
My Mother, Diana Dale White, passed away on October 28, 2007, two months to the day after being diagnosed with Adrenal Carcinoma of the Pancreas. She at stage 4 when she was diagnosed, not even knowing that she was sick. She was 59 years young.
That time seems almost like a blur, both the hardest and the best time spent with my Mother. All the focus had to be on her, her needs, and how to best care for her. I had no time to absorb or to deal with what was happening. My best friend told me to “take your feelings and put them in your back pocket, you will have the rest of your life to deal with it”. And, that is what I did.
But the truth was that I couldn’t even look into my back pocket, let alone deal with all the things stuffed in there. And if I couldn’t, how in the world could a stranger? At Circle of Life Hospice Center, they did not put a band aid on my wound and give me a sucker, but rather a safe place where I could go and express those things that I thought would kill me. With gentle guidance, the knowledge gained from the classes about grief and mourning, and most importantly, with the support of the Newly Bereaved Group, I was able to look in that pocket and even pull out some pieces.
Here I am today, quickly approaching the one year anniversary of my Mother’s passing. And although I still carry a lot of things in that pocket, I no longer feel like I am losing my mind. And with the tools I have learned, I plan on making this a joyful remembrance of Mother. I will honor the love and the importance that she had and will always have in my life. I know I will still have hard days, when the longing in my heart outweighs the knowledge in my head. But I have a reassurance that my support group will be there to listen to me and encourage me. This is an incredible gift.
I know that without a doubt, if I hadn’t been able to get up enough courage to walk into the Circle of Life Hospice Center that cold December day, the outcome would have been a lot different. I am incredibly thankful to Circle of Life Hospice and The Cancer Challenge for providing this support. It has and is continuing to make a huge difference in my life and the life of my family.